Missy Diggs

When I was a kid, my mom had a book with the word “re-entry” in the title.  It was a guide for stay-at-home moms who wanted to return to the world of work. It always puzzled me, maybe because I never knew my mom before she was a stay-at-home mom, so the “re” seemed to be overstating things a bit. I think I had also heard the term “re-entry” in the context of space exploration, and I spent some time worrying about my mom (and other moms) “burning up on re-entry.”

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, as I try to piece my life back together after cancer treatment. I’m disoriented, time-shifted, jet-lagged, weary, bleary, timid, exhilarated, enthralled. Dealing with cancer knocked me off my feet. I keep thinking that it knocked me off my path. Now that I have my feet back under me most of the time, I don’t recognize the path I’m on. It’s new. I’m so relieved and grateful for this that it makes me swoon.

I’m trying to figure out how to let that gratitude guide my steps. At this point I am still letting my eyes adjust, trying to figure out which way to go. I’m going around in circles. I know for sure that I do not ever want to end up back on the old path, the one that led me to cancer in the first place. I also know that I might not actually have any control over that. It’s a balancing act: how to enjoy life to the fullest while doing everything I can to live as long and healthily as I can.  How to identify, and then give up, habits or activities that might increase the likelihood of recurrence. How to identify, and then take on, habits or activities that might increase the possibility of not dying of cancer. How to do all that without stressing myself out!

Reading the paragraph I just wrote, I am struck by two things: first, that it is a pretty accurate description of my state of mind, and second, that it is no wonder I am having a hard time relating to other people these days. I am all twisted up in a meta-, existential, out-of-context thought ball. Over the summer “MOMENTUM!” was my battle cry. I had just finished chemo and was taking on full-time mommying for the first time since I got sick. I made a plan, scheduled our weeks, and kept us in motion. And it worked. Now that school has started, my momentum has disappeared. My eyes feel huge as I look around at the whole big world and try to find the path for me. I think it’s just going to take some time. I’m trying to feel comfortable with that, even while I am haunted by the feeling that time’s a-wasting, that time is too precious to waste.