Missy Diggs

Regardless of what I may think about the American Cancer Society and other “big box” cancer organizations, (read this essay if you didn’t know there was anything to think about) I have found myself very pleased to see the big ACS billboard in town that says “‘Happy Birthday’ is a victory song,” especially as I noticed this sign a few days before my actual birthday. I am now 39, two years older than I was when I was diagnosed with stage IIIc IBC, and at that time I didn’t know if I’d be here now. Also, at that time things had been stripped down to their barest elements, and everything in the future was completely black and white: I’d either be alive, or dead (or, possibly, dying). I couldn’t imagine that I would be alive, still healing, energetic enough to take my daughter swimming several days a week but still needing a nap on the weekends. I couldn’t imagine that I would have the stamina and energy to swim for an hour in Barton Springs but not the immune system strength to protect from bacteria in the water. My diagnosis was a huge disruptive obstacle and I couldn’t see past it at all.

Now I’m older and hopefully wiser and definitely more psyched to be here than I ever thought possible. AT one point in the early stages of my treatment I ran into an aquaintance at the toy store, where we were both shopping for presents for the same birthday party. I didn’t know this woman well, but felt that I knew her well enough to answer somewhat honestly when she asked, in a meaningful way, how I was doing. I said that I was tired, that treatment was hard, that I didn’t have the energy to get through the day, but that other than that, I was doing pretty well. She said brightly, “But it’s gotta make you love life, right?”

Well.

I can say now that cancer diagnosis and cancer treatment did not so much make me love life. Sometimes I felt guilty abou that, especially when I was afraid that I might not have much life left and didn’t want to spend what time I had in misery and fear. But cancer SURVIVORSHIP, now that’s different. There are some things about my life as a cancer survivor that really suck, and some that are just nuisances, but YES, by golly, surviving cancer sure as heck makes me love life.

It makes me love life so much that it’s sometimes scary. Because there is still that shadow circling around…. or maybe it is a flock of shadows, because there are the more likely scenarios (recurrence being statistically quite likely) and then there are the things that are not cancer but that could still cause my untimely death…. some of these are related to my cancer and its treatment (infection, for example, or heart damage caused by chemotherapy) and some of them are the random unexpected things that could happen to any of us at almost any time, but that we usually manage not to think about much. Car accident, you know, or seemingly minor head injury…. blood clot to the lung,.. hanta virus….swine flu… whatever.

One of the things that the cancer experience has left me with is a tiny little case of PTSD. This is pretty common among cancer survivors and so it was fairly predictable, but still it was something I couldn’t imagine living with, back when my only concern was whether I would get to live at all. So far, for me, it has mostly just meant that I am more aware of those circling shadows than I’ve ever been before. Though it has also made me a more difficult patient (for the first time in my life I am afraid of needles) and made it impossible for me to drink bottled water or any kind of icy drink out of a styrofoam cup. At least those last two are potentially better for the environment!

It has also left me with a poor memory, a weakened immune system, and a permanently damaged lymphatic system that requires lots of daily maintenance. I hope to post soon with pictures of the various garments, machines, and accessories that are required to keep me from swelling up in a painful and disabling way. (Won’t that be nice for you all?)

But this is a post about my recent birthday, and how glad I am that I got to have a birthday, and how much I hope to have many many more. And how I hope to enjoy them in good health and good spirits, and how I enjoy once again having a future that (though I am aware I really can’t see it at all) I can once again imagine in color and texture and light.

It makes me want to jump up and march around to some kind of fight song or victory song. The Notre Dame Fight Song being the one I know best of all, it’s the one that comes to mind first. I can hear it now:

We never stumble, we never fall

We take chemo infusions of wood alcohol

We’re the young adult cancer survivors

And we want to have more birthdays!

Or something like that, anyway.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 2nd, 2009 at 8:07 pm and is filed under Day to Day, Holidays, Living With Cancer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.